Forgiveness

You will have to forgive me for yet another French entry. Oh how Anaïs and Salomè have changed my life. For the better I might add.

Like many others I changed my Facebook picture to represent my support for France. I saw so much hatred that day and it serves as a reminder for me to stay off social media during times like these. Ever since I was a little kid growing up in Northern Ireland, I remember giving away my old clothes and sending them to African countries and although I am not big on charitable donations I always put my loose change and pennys into collection pots for children or people from poverty stricken countries. Why am I saying this you might ask, well the simple answer is the countless people saying that we show no support for other countries suffering from war etc...I can't send my old clothes to France and they don't need my money, so I showed my support in the same way as everyone else. 

This subject of hatred doesn't end here, many of us suffer with hatred at home. I wanted to do a post on hatred because I am suffering with hatred within my family, then it just occured to me that the world is so full of hatred and I just don't think I understand why. 

I got back from my Grandmothers tonight feeling so angry because she questioned me about not giving my cousin an iPhone which I promised to her. Firstly the promise was an incentive for my cousin to get well enough to stay in college and more importantly an incentive to win her battle with anorexia. I know anorexia is a very complex mental illness and I know its not my cousins fault, but how dare you judge me for not buying her an iPhone yet. She has not achieved any of the goals I set for her. Then my Nan goes on to say that I should visit my cousin more often as she is really important. Yes Nan I would visit my cousin if I wasn't taking such good care of the daughter that you never visit and help, who happens to live only five minutes away from you. Give me a break Nan, your daughter happens to be very ill also, she is having blood transfusions, double hip replacements coming up and she can't walk unaided. So forgive me if I am a little busy. Maybe instead of chucking your grandson out on Christmas day, you should set an example instead of being so horrible to everyone. I used to have a close family. Now everything feels fragmented. 

Above is a list of everything thats really pissed me off recently.

I know it sounds super open and no one likes posting their dirty laundry (you came to this site out of choice so it's your fault you're reading this) but I guess I just want everyone to know that you're not alone, and you don't have to be related to be family. 

The worst part about this is how difficult it's becoming to forgive my Nan for all the hateful stuff she comes out with, luckily I am able to keep a level head and I don't cause an argument. I guess I have just accepted that's the way she is. She has done irreparable damage to my relationship with her and that's why I've titled this blog as 'Forgiveness' because I don't know if I can forgive her.

The worst part is, no one really notices.  

 I can't see forgiveness, and you can't see the crime. You want to point your finger, but there's no one else to blame.